Riptide

by Gerri Leen

Gerri Leen lives in Northern Virginia and originally hails from Seattle. She came to fiction writing late in life and writes stories in many genres, including fantasy--often centered around mythology --science fiction, horror, crime fiction, and romance. She dabbles in poetry and has one poem published. In addition to Quantum Kiss, look for her stories in the Sails & Sorcery anthology, Renard's Menagerie magazine, the Desolate Places anthology, and others. A complete list of her
published and accepted work can be found at GerriLeen.com.

Bruce had been alive, too, after the crash.  Whimpering in pain when she touched him, but still alive.  The policeman said her puppy's back was broken, and then he'd led her away, and one of the rescue workers had walked past them toward the car carrying a big rifle.  She could still hear the sound of that gun. 

A harsh bark brought her back to where she was.  It sounded so like Bruce, she scrambled to her feet, searching the beach for him.

The bark sounded again -- from behind her.  From the water.

She turned, saw a seal pup out in the water, brownish-black fur gleaming in the sun.  It ducked under the water, disappearing with a splash.

She wished she could follow it.  Go down and down and down and never come back up for air. 

It wasn't as if her grandparents would look for her.  They let her play as long as she liked in the overlong summer sunshine that lasted well into when night should fall.  She had a feeling they'd taken her in only because she had nowhere else to go after her parents died.  They certainly didn't act like people delighted to have their eleven-year-old granddaughter living with them.

She peeled off her clothes, down to the swimming suit she wore underneath, and waded gingerly into the water.  It was always colder than she expected, and she started shivering immediately.  Trying to warm up, she jogged, splashing as she went deeper and deeper until finally she was swimming.

Being in the water was the only time she felt free anymore.  The only time she felt like just a kid ever since her world had turned into a blur of rain and blood and the whimper of her dog and the sound of a grown man crying and throwing up. 

A low bark shook her out of her morbid reverie.  She turned over onto her stomach, saw the seal pup only a few meters away from her.

"Hello there," she said softly.

The seal studied her with luminous brown eyes.  It seemed to be reading all of Kenna's secrets.  All her pain -- or did seals not know pain that way?  If not, they were lucky.

"I wish I was dead," she said.  She'd thought it so many times since the accident.  Had whispered it into her pillow at night when she cried.  But she'd never said it to anyone.

The pup just stared at her, so Kenna splashed it, and it dove under the water.

Retreating back to shore, Kenna waited for it to come back up.  Finally, she heard a splash far to her right and looked over to see the pup staring at her again.  It made a low sound, like the way Bruce used to whine when he was lonely.

She missed the way Bruce cuddled against her.  She missed having him tucked in with her on the bed, keeping her warm and safe.  Her grandparents rarely touched her.  They weren't demonstrative people, her grandmother had told her one day when Kenna had hugged her impulsively.  She hadn't hugged her back, and Kenna hadn't tried again. 

That's just how this place was, her mother used to tell her.  The cold -- Godforsaken, her father had said -- Orkneys.  Rousay:  the island her parents had brought her to once a year, if that, usually in September when it was at its warmest.  She'd never been left here for a summer, had never spent the holidays with her grandparents.  Angus and Gail Lindsay were strangers who controlled her life now.  Whether they wanted to or not.

"I'm so alone," Kenna told the seal pup, then she realized it was gone.  "Sure.  Leave me.  It's easy."

"What's your problem?"

She turned; a boy stood on the beach, as naked as could be.  Kenna hastily forced her eyes up to the boy's brown eyes -- didn't the kid own a bathing suit?

"Hi.  I'm Murdoch."

Kenna saw that his footprints trailed away in the wet sand, disappearing around the bend of the beach.

"What's your name?" Murdoch asked.

"Why?"  Kenna stepped deeper into the water.

The boy followed her.  "I've seen you here.  You never have anyone to play with.  You're new, aren't you?"

Kenna wanted to tell the boy to go to the devil, but Murdoch's voice held such sweetness that she couldn't bear to send him away.  The kids here weren't very friendly to outsiders.

"You want to play?" Murdoch asked, his brown eyes shining.

"I guess."

"Better take a breath," Murdoch said.  He didn't seem to be bothered by Kenna's lack of enthusiasm, just dove under the water and grabbed Kenna's legs and yanked them out from under her.  Then he was off.

Kenna surfaced, sputtering and trying not to laugh.  She saw Murdoch farther away than she expected.  Taking a deep breath, she took off after him.  

She caught him after three tries and then swam off as fast as she could since Murdoch was "it."  His laughter rang out, carrying over the water, and it made her smile for the first time since that horrible day. 

Murdoch was slow to catch her, and Kenna had a feeling her new playmate was letting her get away just to keep the game going.

She didn't mind at all.

#

The sun was setting early now -- there was so little daylight here in the winter.  Kenna shivered on the beach, huddling into the heavy sweater Grandma Gail had knitted for her.  Murdoch moved closer.  He was wearing clothes that barely fit him, and Kenna wondered why his parents didn't pay more attention to what their son looked like.  Despite the thinness of his shirt and the sharp ice of the wind, Murdoch wasn't shivering.

He never seemed to get cold the way Kenna did.  Hadn't for the three years Kenna had known him.

"So how was school?" Murdoch asked quietly, drawing figures that looked like people in the sand.

"Okay."

"Just okay?"

She shrugged.  "I wish you could come.  Why does your mum have to teach you herself?"

Murdoch shrugged.  He drew more of the figures -- one looked like a seal.

"What are those?"

He glanced down at the sand as if unaware he'd been drawing, then he rubbed out the pictures.  "Nothing."

"Why'd you do that?"

Murdoch gave her the look that meant he wanted Kenna to drop it, and they sat in silence for a while.

"So I was wondering if you'd come to school--- "

"I told you, my mum teaches me."

"Let me finish.  Come tomorrow night.  It's the science fair and I've entered.  Remember this summer when we ran the tests on the seawater and inventoried all the species that live here?"

Murdoch nodded.

"Well, Mister McDougal, my biology teacher, really liked it.   He told me I have a good chance of winning.  So you should come, too.  I put your name on as contributor."

"You shouldn't have done that."  Murdoch looked out toward the sea, his fingers suddenly drumming a tune on his pants. 

Then he stopped, and his fingers rested, spread apart, and Kenna saw with a start that there was a hint of webbing between them.  She took Murdoch's hand, examined it in the fading light.

"What?"

"I never noticed.  Your fingers..."

Murdoch yanked his hand away.  "It happens.  Plenty of folks have webbing."  He stood up.  "I have to go."

"But about tomorrow?"

"I can't go."  He turned, his feet leaving deep impressions as he moved away from her.

"He's never heard of you.  When I added your name as a contributor, Mister McDougal had never heard of you."

Murdoch didn't turn around.  "So?"

"It's a small island."

"It's not that small."  Murdoch took off running, down the beach toward the bend.  Never up the beach.  Never back to civilization.

Kenna sighed and got up, trudging home in the gathering darkness.

"Where you been, girl?" Grandpa Angus asked as he saw her walk up.  "With that boy again?"

She sat down on the porch steps, watched him work on some piece of machinery he was trying to get running.  "He's nice."

"You're getting too old to only have one friend -- and a boy at that.  Why don't we ever see you with kids from school?"

"Murdoch's my best friend."

Grandpa Angus took a deep breath.  "About that.  I don't imagine your mother ever gave you any kind of talk, did she?"

Kenna rolled her eyes and stood up.  "I've taken health.  I don't need a talk."

"I don't hold with boys and girls going off alone the way you two do.  It isn't right."

"He's my friend.  That's all."  She stomped up the stairs and into the house.

Grandma Gail looked up at her, nodding her blandly distant greeting before going back to her book.

The cold beach suddenly seemed like a much warmer place.

#

The full autumn moon shone on them as they lay on the beach.  Kenna looked over at Murdoch, realized that at sixteen, she was suddenly shorter than him.  He was shooting up like a weed, and he'd filled out, wasn't the skinny boy he'd once been. 

"What do you dream about?" Murdoch asked her.  He turned to meet her eyes, and Kenna was struck by how old they seemed. 

"Being a scientist.  Studying the ocean."  She felt Murdoch move closer, then he was curled up against her.  She wasn't sure what to say, so she didn't say anything, just let Murdoch stay there.

It felt so good, like coming home.

"My grandpa's been lecturing me again," she whispered as she stared up at the stars.

"Ignore him like you always do."

"It's just he won't let it alone.  He's...worried."

"About me?"

She nodded and he didn't say anything, just snuggled in a bit more.

"I love the ocean," Kenna whispered because it seemed easier than telling him her grandpa was right to worry because she loved him even more.

"I taught you that, landlubber."  Murdoch laughed softly, causing vibrations to go through Kenna's body.  "I taught you to love the ocean."  He suddenly turned, and Kenna missed the feel of him.  Moving up, he rested on his elbows, staring down at her.  "You should specialize in seals.  The population is dwindling up here."

Kenna nodded.  She only ever saw one seal in these waters -- she thought it was her pup all grown up.  Tourists came from all over to see the seals of Rousay, but Kenna never went to those other places where seals were known to congregate.  She liked it here, with Murdoch, in their place. 

Their place.  She felt an ache in the depths of her.  Wasn't sure if it was pain or that feeling that had been coming over her more and more whenever she thought of Murdoch.

Murdoch moved even closer.  "You'll be going away soon.  To university."

"I'm only sixteen.  I've got time."

Murdoch stared down at her for a long moment.  Then he smiled strangely.  "Time enough for this?"  He leaned down and let his lips linger on Kenna's in a kiss that barely registered before it was over.  "I come back here for you, you know?  You're the only reason, Kenna."

Kenna could feel her heart threatening to beat out of her chest.  She felt warm and panicked and couldn't decide whether to run or to pull Murdoch back to her.  He was her best friend -- her only friend.  If they did this and it didn't work, she'd have nothing.

But then Murdoch got up and said, "I have to go."

"Go where?"

"Home, silly."

She frowned.  "Why haven't I ever seen your home?"

Murdoch laughed.  "Same reason I haven't seen yours.  My mum's worried, too."  He winked at her. 

"Should they be worried?"  She couldn't meet his eyes.

"I don't know.  And I don't want to try to figure it out tonight."  Murdoch laughed gently and gave Kenna a sweet smile.  "I'm glad we met, all those years ago.  I'm glad you decided to go swimming on this beach at that time."

"Me, too." 

"Same time tomorrow?"

"You bet."  It was their regular ritual.  She stayed; he went.

But...where?

Kenna settled back down the way she normally did, but as soon as Murdoch was far enough away, she got up and followed him, moving up the beach and trying to stay hidden in the rocks that littered the hills covering the island.

Murdoch kept to the water's edge, walking for a long time, until he headed up the beach a bit.  Kenna scanned inland:  there were no houses up this way.

Murdoch ducked down behind some rocks, seemed to be drawing off his shirt, then stood and stepped out of his pants.  Then he pulled something brown off the sand and carried it down to the water's edge.  He stepped into it, and a strange mist rose up around him, and when it cleared, her friend was gone, and a seal lay on the beach -- a seal that looked like the one Kenna saw all the time. 

He moved clumsily into the water and out of sight.  Kenna dropped to the sand, wiping at her lips.

Her friend -- the boy she loved -- was a selkie.

#

Kenna came early to the beach, finding the place she'd hidden the night before, and dropped into a crouch behind the still-warm stone. 

She had a sudden vision of the ditch her parent's car had been in.  The smell of burning rubber and wet wool from the blanket that had been wrapped around her.  She blinked, unsure why the memory, which she thought had faded, was suddenly so vivid again.

She forced her mind off that day, forced herself away from pouring rain and back onto this beach that had become her heart's home, to the boy who wasn't a boy at all.

A little while later, the seal approached, swimming gracefully until he hit the sand.  Then he inched his way up, and the mists came around him, and a moment later Murdoch stood naked.  He walked up to his stash, got dressed, and pushed the sealskin back into its hiding place. 

He was smiling as he headed off toward where Kenna would normally be waiting.

Feeling as if she was betraying her friend, Kenna ran down and grabbed the sealskin, carrying it up the hill and back to a cave she knew of but didn't think Murdoch did. 

Then she hurried down to the beach and found Murdoch pacing.  "Sorry, I'm late."

Murdoch frowned.  "Is something wrong?"

"Just got held up."

"It's not like you, is all."

She laughed, and it came out a sharp sound.  "I'm full of surprises."

He frowned a little but didn't say anything.

"I want to get to know your mom.  Take me to your house."

"What?  No."  Murdoch laughed -- but it was nervous laughter -- and dropped to the sand.  "Come sit by me."

"Later.  Take me to your home."

"No."  Now there was something hurt in Murdoch's voice.

"I trusted you."

He stared at her, his eyes darting as he seemed to be trying to read her expression.  "What's wrong with you, Kenna?" 

His eyes...they weren't a boy's eyes.  Why hadn't she seen that?  Had she needed him -- needed anyone -- so badly that she couldn't see what was right in front of her? 

"You're upset, I can tell, but I think that -- "

"What's five times five?"

"What difference does that make?"

"What is it?"  Kenna's voice echoed in the stillness.  She didn't mean to shout -- never shouted, but she was shouting now.  She wanted to hit him.  Wanted to pummel him and make him pay for not being real.

Murdoch closed his eyes, and Kenna imagined he was doing the calculation the hard way -- adding the fives up.

"Never mind.  Guess your mum doesn't stress mathematics."  Kenna sank down next to him. 

When he reached for her hand, she pushed him away. 

"I care about you, Murdoch.  You're my best friend.  My only friend.  I've pushed people who might have been my friends away because I just wanted you.  But people leave.  My parents left me.  And my puppy left me.  And someday you'll leave me."  She turned to stare at him.  "That's why I've done my research."

He stared back, his eyes going hard -- and a little scared.

"I know what you are."  She grabbed him by his silky brown hair.  If she cut it close, would it feel like the pelt he'd hidden?  She could do that, dress him right, cut his hair in a more modern way, make him go to school.

Keep him with her.  Keep him from ever leaving her.

"I have your skin."

Murdoch didn't move.  Then he jerked away, leaving a hunk of silky hair in Kenna's grasp.  His eyes filled with tears, but Kenna couldn't tell if it was from pain or because of her betrayal. 

"No words, Murdoch?  How about a little bark?"

"I came to you because you were so sad.  I stay with you because I love you."

"People who love you leave.  And then you get stuck with people who don't."

"And this is your answer?"  He seemed to be breathing hard, as if panic had set in.  He skittered away from her, putting distance between them.

She saw the light in his eyes -- the bright, happy look that she'd cherished for so long -- die.  "It won't be bad.  You can live with us -- we'll tell my grandparents you've been orphaned.  And you can go to school.  And we'll be together all the time.  And we'll swim and fish, just like we do now."

"Now that you've stolen my skin, I can't go into the water."

"But you swim all the time with me."

"I was free before.  Now I'm not."  He took a deep breath.  "Do you know my parents told me not to stay here with you?  They're gone.  I don't even know if I could find them if I wanted to."  He took a deep breath, staring out at the water, his arms crossed tightly over his chest.

He was shivering.  As if he was finally feeling the cold, even though it was a warm, beautiful day.

"I miss my parents, Kenna.  I miss my brothers and sisters."

She crawled over to him, took him in her arms, and he relaxed against her, but in a defeated way, not in any kind of way that made her feel safe.  "You gave up your family for me?"

She'd been more than ready to die to get back to hers when she'd first come here, and he'd left his, risked never seeing them again, for her?

"They told me this could happen.  'Loving a human can't end well,' my mum told me.  I didn't listen.  'You were different,' I said.  Not so different, though, are you?"  He held up a hand; it shook violently.  "I can hear the sea calling me."

Kenna remembered how she'd felt the day Murdoch had rescued her.  The empty place he had filled inside her.  This shivering creature was more like what she'd been back then than the friend she loved.  What had she thought it would accomplish other than hurting him to do this?

She stood and drew him up with her.  "Come on."

Murdoch seemed to be holding his breath as they clambered over the land toward the cave.  He only appeared to relax when he saw the skin carefully hidden. 

Kenna waited for him to take it.

Murdoch didn't meet her eyes.  "It means more if you give it back.  Symbolically."

Kenna handed it to him.  "I take it all back."

"You can't take it back.  You can only give it back."

"Then I do that."

"Fine."

Kenna tried to speak past the lump in her throat.  "Does it make it better?"

"No."  He touched her cheek, but still wouldn't meet her eyes.  "I love you."

She felt the empty place he'd filled leaking, the warmth he'd put into her life deserting her.  "You're leaving, aren't you?"

"I have to.  I can't trust you anymore."  He took a deep breath.  "I am what I am.  A selkie."

"And my love."

"You don't know what love is, Kenna," he said.  And then he fled.

Kenna found his clothing scattered across the beach, no attempt to hide it this time, and she knew: Murdoch wasn't coming back.

#

Kenna sat on the beach and stared out at the sea, digging into the sand until she hit the damp underbelly, remembering the last time she was here.  It was getting late, but she was in no rush -- night never fell here in the summer.  Besides, it wasn't as if her crew would come looking for her. 

Some had paired up.  Others were sitting around the campfire, drinking and laughing.  She could hear them from where she sat.  A comforting sound of life shared, even if she chose not to be a part of it in her off hours.  She was still the outsider, even with her own team.

She heard the bark of a seal, then another.  A herd had moved into this area.  It was why Kenna was here. 

She'd done what she'd said she would: studied marine biology at the university and specialized in seal colonies.  She'd done it for the seal-boy she loved -- the boy she'd last seen eight years ago, when she was sixteen and Murdoch had been...what?  Five in seal years?  Male seals could live into their thirties.  Unless he'd run into a shark -- or a human hunter -- her friend would still be alive somewhere.  Maybe settled down with a nice harem of his own?

"Murdoch," she murmured, peeling off her clothes to the swimming suit underneath.  She dove in the water and swam as far as she could on one breath, finally surfacing and floating, staring at the sunlit night sky.

"Better take a breath," she heard in her ear -- a whisper, full of love.  And amusement.

And suddenly she was yanked down under the water.  She didn't struggle, just let herself be pulled along, and remembered a day long ago when she'd wished for this.  To go down and down and down and never come back up for air.

Just as her lungs began to burn, the warm hands let go of her, and she kicked her way to the surface.

Murdoch broke the surface an arm's length from her.   The boy was gone; a man stared back at Kenna.  A man with strong features but the same luminous dark eyes.  And a smile that lit Kenna's world.

There was so much to say.  She settled for the one thing that held the most truth.  "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too.  I tried to forget you.  Tried to just be what I was supposed to be."

Kenna laughed softly.  "Yeah, me, too."   She'd tried to fall in love with other men.  Real men, not beautiful selkies who made her heart race and settle down all at once.

"I have kids," Murdoch said pointing off to where the seal herd lived.

"I'm sure you do."  Kenna imagined the handsomest ones were Murdoch's. 

"Do you have any?"

"No." 

"Mine are grown now, actually."  Murdoch swam closer.  "I left my harem two years ago.  Let another male take it."

"Yes?"

Murdoch nodded, a sweet smile growing.  "I may have been hanging about here for a bit."

"Two years is more than a bit."  Kenna pulled him close, felt them go underwater, but Murdoch brought them back up to the surface easily, holding her, keeping her safe.  "Were you waiting for me?"

"It's possible."  A grin.  Huge.  Loving.  The smile that had ruined everyone else's chances because they couldn't replicate that mix of love and mischief. 

Then Murdoch's look changed, and he pulled Kenna with him to shore.  Skirting the area where Kenna's crew was, he climbed into the hills, up to the cave where Kenna had hidden his skin.  It was there again, just where she'd left it. 

"I'm so sorry I tried to trap you.  I don't know what I thought I was doing."

Murdoch picked up the skin.  "We were children then, Kenna.  What did either of us know of life or love?"

Her friend was forgiving her?

Murdoch moved closer and handed Kenna the sealskin.

"No, I can't.  I won't use this to trap you again."

"It's different when it's a gift.  It just means I'd like to stay with you.  If you still want me?"

"But you can go if you want, right?"

"I can take it back any time I like.  Are you going to give me a reason to do that?"

"No."  Kenna had never been more sure of anything in her life.

"Good."  He stared at her, not smiling now.  Assessing her, and she stared back and tried to let him see that she'd learned what she needed to in the years away.  That life was something you lived alone, no matter how many people were in it.  That if you were lucky enough to find someone who loved and understood you, you didn't hurt them just to keep yourself safe.

He seemed to relax, and a slow smile began, his lips pulling up in that irresistible expression, and she felt an answering grin on her own.

"So...?"

"So, now we go on from here."  His smile grew.  "And I can help you in your work.  I have a way with seals, you know?"

Kenna laughed.  And felt her heart break and knit together all at the same moment.

"I can hear the sea calling," Murdoch murmured in her ear, nuzzling, and Kenna knew what he was really saying.

Seals mated in the water.

She hid the skin, taking care that it was deep in the shadows where no one but they would be able to find it.

"I can hear the sea calling, too," she whispered.  "Our home."

"No.  Wherever we are is home.  If we're together." 

"You're right."  Kenna smiled. 

"But...let's not get too far from the water."  He sighed, and she thought that she felt a whisper of old pain, pain she'd caused.  Her own pain echoed, and for a moment she heard the shriek of a car crashing, the whimper of a puppy, the sound of her true love disappearing into the waves.

Then Murdoch laughed and those memories faded back to where they belonged as he pulled her with him to the water's edge.

They walked in together.

© 2008 Gerri Leen