| A Common Guide to Women's English | |
| What They Say | What It Means |
| Yes | No |
| No | Yes |
| Maybe | No |
| I'm sorry | You'll be sorry |
| We need | I want |
| It's your decision | The correct decision should be obvious by now. |
| Do what you want | You'll pay for this later. |
| We need to talk | I need to complain. |
| Sure go ahead | I don't want you to. |
| I'm not upset | Of course I'm upset, you moron! |
| You're so manly | You need a shave and you sweat a lot. |
| You're certainly attentive tonight | Is sex all you ever think about? |
| Be romantic, turn out the lights | I have flabby thighs. |
| This kitchen is so inconvenient | I want a new house. |
| I want new curtains | …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... |
| Hang the picture there | NO, I mean hang it there! |
| I heard a noise | I noticed you were almost asleep. |
| Do you love me? | I'm going to ask for something expensive. |
| How much do you love me? | I did something today you're really not going to like. |
| I'll be ready in a minute | Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. |
| Is my butt fat? | Tell me I'm beautiful. |
| You have to learn to communicate | Just agree with me. |
| Are you listening to me!? | [Too late, you're dead.] |
| Was that the baby? | Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. |
| I'm not yelling! | Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. |
| The same old thing | Nothing |
| Nothing | Everything |
| Everything | My PMS is acting up. |
| Nothing, really | It's just that you're such an asshole. |
| A Common Guide to Man’s English | |
| What They Say | What It Means |
| "I'm hungry" | I'm hungry. |
| "I'm sleepy" | I'm sleepy. |
| "I'm tired" | I'm tired. |
| "Do you want to go to a movie?" | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| "Can I take you out to dinner?" | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| "Can I call you sometime?" | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| "May I have this dance?" | I'd eventually like to have sex with you. |
| "Nice dress!" | Nice cleavage! |
| "You look tense, let me give you a massage." | I want to fondle you. |
| "What's wrong?" | I don't see why your making such a big deal about this. |
| "What's wrong?" | What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? |
| "What's wrong?" | I guess sex tonight is out of the question. |
| "I'm bored." | Do you want to have sex? |
| "I love you." | Let's have sex now. |
| "I love you, too." | Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now! |
| "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." | I liked it better before. |
| "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." | $50 and it doesn't look that much different! |
| "Let's talk." | I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. |
| "Will you marry me?" | I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. |
| (While shopping) "I like that one better." | Pick any goddamn dress and let's go home! |
| "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." | I am gay. |